“There is No Stork” and “Rover Did Not Go Live on a Farm”
Published March, 2018 in The Other Paper, written by Ellen M. Drolette
Children trust their parents more than anyone else in the world. They also expect that when they ask questions that they will get
honest answers. Some things are magical about a child’s world like the tooth fairy, Easter bunny, and Santa Claus. At some point,
children reach an age and ask “Is Santa Claus real?” As their most trusted, we teach them about the magic of each of these characters and the history behind them.
In the lives of children, parents should ALWAYS be honest about birth and death. It is hard to explain, it is complicated, and it is difficult to put into words. How many times have you heard a young child ask how a baby got in a mommy’s belly and how it is coming out? No, the stork is not dropping off the baby, and the baby did not all of a sudden just appear in the belly. It is hard to find the right words for tough conversations. That is why some fantastic authors did that work for us. They take the difficult questions and make it easy for us to answer.
Parents often try to protect their children from hurt, disappointment, and heartache. Avoidance of questions for fear that they may ask one that cannot easily be answered. However, children need to learn the emotion of loss of life. They too will have to experience
grieving. As a child, my first death experience was a classmate at 12 years old. The experience of grief was scary and an emotion that was unfamiliar to me. However, many people grow up having never experienced loss making it difficult to have this conversation with a young
child.
As a parent, my children started experiencing deaths of family members from a very early age. They lost many grandparents, an uncle, classmates parents, and by the time they were in high school and college, even classmates. They also experienced 9/11 as children in elementary children, when the discussion of death was unavoidable, and honesty was what they needed along with many hugs and being available for any questions. What I learned is that my children have a healthy outlook on what is a natural part of living. Dying.
Some tips on dealing with questions about birth an death with young children:
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Be honest. Use proper words and don’t shy away from the words “dead,” “death” and “dying” when discussing death.
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Don’t hide your emotions. Talk about them. As parents, we want to teach children to talk about how they are feeling. Be the example. Crying in front of your child is okay.
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Share the information as soon as appropriate. Don’t let the child find out from someone else in a way you may not have intended.
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Prepare your child for memorials, funerals or other rituals that may cause curiosity. Especially around burial rituals.
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Provide resources for your child.
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When preparing a child for a birth-do tell them the truth about where babies come from.
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Do use proper anatomical terms when discussing the specifics.
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Don’t overshare. Give the child the information they want. They will take it in small bits to digest and ask more questions over weeks, months or even years.
As parents, we sometimes forget about what lies far ahead, years from now for our babies. Forethought about how to handle these difficult conversations prepares children with life skills they will carry on with them the rest of their lives.
Resources to help families and children around birth and death conversations:
The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr
Something very Sad Happened by Bonnie Zucker
Where do Babies come From? Our first talk about birth by Dr. Jillian Roberts and Cindy Revell
It’s not the Stork! A book About GIRLS, Boys, Babies, Families AND Friends by Robie Harris
