Bedtime Rituals and Routines
Published in The Other Paper, March 2017, written by Ellen M. Drolette
I decided that for this article I wanted to know the good and not so good about bedtime routines that parent’s use and what have been the
ramifications when it hasn’t worked or maybe your child was not a great sleeper. I asked in a variety of social media forums about people’s routines. I really got some incredible, sweet and funny feedback. There was one constant for many and that was reading stories before bed. This eventually led to the child reading to the parent and eventually to themselves in to their later years. This one simple step is essential to building literacy skills while also creating a routine and this can start from birth. Children need consistency to feel secure and safe.
This creates an opportunity for healthy social and emotional growth to happen in a natural way.
Many people responded by saying a bath before bedtime, while some said a bath wound their children up and they avoid it. My best friend, Beth shared this, “My favorite ritual with the girls was ‘happy thoughts and wishes’. We would talk about all the things that had happened that day/week that brought them joy and what we had to look forward to. We did this every night, falling asleep”. An old high school friend of mine, Don tells me that, “Each of my daughters had different songs I would sing after story. One liked Twinkle, Twinkle little star and the other Row, Row, Row your boat. Usually took three times and it was lights out. I miss those days!” One friend of mine, Thea with grown children recalled these memories; “I sang very non-traditional lullabies, things like Sweet Baby James and Brand New Key. One of my favorite memories is Shannon calling me from a James Taylor concert and saying, ‘This is for you, Mom!’.”
My friend Kate shares a humorous look at what the first child sleep routine felt like and what it has morphed into with three children.
“The routines have evolved as the kids have grown up obviously. When Jax was an infant it was such a process that actually getting him to sleep and then tucked away in his crib amounted to the same stressful pressure as what I can only assume people that diffuse bombs for a living experience. If the house creaked, the blanket pulled, or God forbid your necklace hit the crib as you stood back up after a successful crib drop... it was detonation and start back at step one. Once he and subsequently Seamus became actual people instead of crying
potatoes the routine has settled in to each getting a song of their choosing or a story they can agree on from Joe and then he tags out and I go in and we talk about something that would be fun to dream about while I set up their tents so that ‘he doesn't stare at me in my sleep’ complaints are averted. Sometimes in the morning this leads to stories of actually dreaming the a fore mentioned dreams or at worst how the dreams didn't happen but if they did it would have been like this!”
Another Mom sent me a private message as her daughter is a teenager and would disown her if she knew she was sharing. They still have this routine today. “I sing her a song, rub her back, snuggle with her, etc. Every night before bed. "Her song" started when she was an infant, and would not sleep. Over the course of a couple of weeks with many sleepless nights, ‘her song’ was created. I was delirious and singing "Mockingbird" over and over and over and over. I started making up verses, and a few of them stuck. Eventually, "her song" came into being. It is half Mockingbird and half made-up stanzas that I've been singing for 15 years.
She knows all the words and will sing along with me or tell me if I skip a line when I'm really tired. And, yes, sometimes I get strange looks from people when I tell them I put my 15 year old to bed. And she won't let me mention it around her friends. But it is a very special time of day. After I sing, when she is really relaxed and drifting off to sleep, she will start talking to me. Really talking. Some of our best communication happens during that time. I absolutely treasure that time with her and I will keep doing it until she goes to college . . . in fact, the other night, she told me: "Mom, you realize that when I move out, if I have a bad day, I'm going to call you to sing me to sleep." (insert heart explosion here).” This is why we have rituals, so we can raise children to feel safe, secure able to communicate with the adults they trust when they are in a time of need and to create strong attachments and develop socially and emotionally to deal with what the world
deals out.
Lastly, I leave you with this beautiful exchange that happens nightly with a Dad and his Son.
“Every day, no matter what kind of day we have, my son and I end it with the four questions:
Who loves you? - Daddy
How come? - Because I'm your son.
How much does Daddy love you? -
Infinity
How long will Daddy love you for? -
For always and forever.
Been doing it every night since he could talk. Whether giggling or crying, the questions and answers never change.”
